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She's on FB. She's commenting and liking my posts. But she's not calling.

I'm about to have a meltdown that involves poached eggs over sourdough bread and hollandaise sauce. No joke. <3

New Hampshire

I really, really am afraid of how I feel.

I have a college roommate, J. We were roommates at ASU in the early 90's. Had a blast. Sadly, at the time, she was bi-polar, depression took over her life, which it sometimes does with bi-polar and she dropped everything to escape back to the refuge she knew: home. I don't blame her, I don't judge her and I only wished for her safety and well being.

As I type this it's 4:36 am. It's 2014 and I'm now 43, J is 39 and we've reconnected. Since our last connection a lot has happened. I have been diagnosed with MS, which I'm blessed to say rarely affects my motor skills; however it's taking a stab at my memory.....not my long term, not my short, just somewhere in between where if I was supposed to call you back, I didn't because I'm retarded. I also have been diagnosed with what J has and that's bi-polar. It appears that my bi-polar, while they're supposed to vary between depression and mania, I get more mania which means very little sleep and a whole lot of Dr. Phil reruns. It is neither fun no has it been easy for me to grasp. No one is awake and wants to play at 4:00 am.

J and I reconnected via Facebook. She and I talk on the phone all of the time, everyday and she is planning a trip out here, so she says and I am thrilled. I got the carpets cleaned (she's bringing her baby/toddler), they're refinishing the tub in our master bedroom so she and the baby can have our bed; Joe is going to take the twin in the office, I've got dibs on the couch. Pest control is also imminent. I planned to put a "welcome basket" in her room with bath stuff.....I want to make her comfortable. We both have said that we are best friends, we love each other and I believe in that.

The problem is that J gets very spooked, super easy. (not judging) She came out to ASU for 2 different years and left both years due to depression. She went overseas and again, depression. I'm so nervous that if I express to her, how I really feel: that I'm thrilled, excited, overwhelmed, etc that she's coming.....she won't come. (Her husband doesn't want her to come, but she said she's coming anyway.

I adore her and I want her here. I just don't want to spook her and have her not come because it's too much. Her mom is planning to pay for her plane ticket. When she gets here, everything is paid for. What's not to love? And yet I feel so deeply for her, we've known each other over 20 years.....and trust is an issue.

I just feel sick about it. That I've done too much and she can't handle a crazed friend who is making her visit as nice as a B&B, when maybe I should've given her the couch and saved my tears.

To be continued...... <3


Marriage REALLY sucks.

Why should I be forced to go to my in-laws, who I KNOW don't like me and who I KNOW think their son could've done better....sit there, take my mother-in-laws RUDE comments and just take it?

Since when was siding with your in-laws over some stupid holiday more important than spending a holiday with your wife?

Look out debit card....I'm finding the best place for a meal and that's where I'm going. Wine and all.


Now What?

That job I was "anon" about? It was Macaroni Grill....and no I don't want to hear about how much you love it because it's got a crappy backbone when it comes to hiring. I finally got the balls and called to find out if I was still an applicant or not....turns out I'm not and all this waiting was for nothing. Thanks a lot.

You know, I waited for days for that stupid recruiter Dona to get back to me. I find that to be rude and assuming. My frustration isn't that I don't have the job....my anger is that these people don't know my back story. The heartache that I've gone through to get to where I am....the heartache that I'm currently going through and that I've persevered through it....now I'm making a comeback by finding a job. You have to walk through the fire not around it. I get it.

Part of Human Resources is understanding the humanity part of people; where they come from and how they got to where they are today. To assume everyone is the same is preposterous and to understand that everyone has a story gives each person a depth and a quality of intimacy. To me, I've not experienced that during my hiring experience.

I'm angry because (obviously) I don't have a job. I'm angry because I was treated like someone who just had nothing better to do than to hang around and wait for a job. I hated that Recruiters said they'd call me on Tuesday and I didn't hear back until Friday or even worse yet they said I'd hear back "by the end of this week" and then I never heard back. That's the worst.

You pick your brain as to what you did wrong....you know you did some things right. You're wondering "Are they not calling me because I don't have the job and they're regretting having to tell me?" or "Are they not calling me because I have the job and they're just too busy to do so?" You're already devastated in your mind because you can't possibly have gotten the job, certainly they would've told you....since they would've told you, when they said they'd call A WEEK AGO.

Look, all I'm saying is to hold yourself accountable. If you say you're going to call, then call, dammit so I can go on with my life. And yes, I do have one. I have to find a job. Recruiters need to put some sort of blind heart into their job....meaning they need to think that every employee has some sort of back story even if they don't get to know it....because most of us have one....and some of us have one that is pretty dang interesting.


Mrs. Smoochie !!!

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October 2014