I really, really am afraid of how I feel.
I have a college roommate, J. We were roommates at ASU in the early 90's. Had a blast. Sadly, at the time, she was bi-polar, depression took over her life, which it sometimes does with bi-polar and she dropped everything to escape back to the refuge she knew: home. I don't blame her, I don't judge her and I only wished for her safety and well being.
As I type this it's 4:36 am. It's 2014 and I'm now 43, J is 39 and we've reconnected. Since our last connection a lot has happened. I have been diagnosed with MS, which I'm blessed to say rarely affects my motor skills; however it's taking a stab at my memory.....not my long term, not my short, just somewhere in between where if I was supposed to call you back, I didn't because I'm retarded. I also have been diagnosed with what J has and that's bi-polar. It appears that my bi-polar, while they're supposed to vary between depression and mania, I get more mania which means very little sleep and a whole lot of Dr. Phil reruns. It is neither fun no has it been easy for me to grasp. No one is awake and wants to play at 4:00 am.
J and I reconnected via Facebook. She and I talk on the phone all of the time, everyday and she is planning a trip out here, so she says and I am thrilled. I got the carpets cleaned (she's bringing her baby/toddler), they're refinishing the tub in our master bedroom so she and the baby can have our bed; Joe is going to take the twin in the office, I've got dibs on the couch. Pest control is also imminent. I planned to put a "welcome basket" in her room with bath stuff.....I want to make her comfortable. We both have said that we are best friends, we love each other and I believe in that.
The problem is that J gets very spooked, super easy. (not judging) She came out to ASU for 2 different years and left both years due to depression. She went overseas and again, depression. I'm so nervous that if I express to her, how I really feel: that I'm thrilled, excited, overwhelmed, etc that she's coming.....she won't come. (Her husband doesn't want her to come, but she said she's coming anyway.
I adore her and I want her here. I just don't want to spook her and have her not come because it's too much. Her mom is planning to pay for her plane ticket. When she gets here, everything is paid for. What's not to love? And yet I feel so deeply for her, we've known each other over 20 years.....and trust is an issue.
I just feel sick about it. That I've done too much and she can't handle a crazed friend who is making her visit as nice as a B&B, when maybe I should've given her the couch and saved my tears.
To be continued...... <3